Vs.

From: jessup@elbereth.rutgers.edu (I Don't Exist)

AARRGGHH! Another round of Enterprise vs. NERV MOBILE FORTRESS

(fill in your favorite ship)

For those of you wondering how a battle between the Enterprise and the Space

Cruiser Yamato or Argo (depending on your preference) would turn out, don't!

It would go something like this:

* * *

Starblazers Argo vs. UFP Enterprise NCC 1701-D

[Scene begins with zoom in on Enterprise Bridge, to Picard.]

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 98765432.10. While on a routine mission to the

Achbarditaniary System, our sensors picked up a strange fluctuation in

the space-time continuum. While we cannot determine the source of this

disturbance, long-range sensors are picking up a lone vessel in the

immediate vicinity. We are en route to investigate.

[Bright flash on bridge.]

Q: Jean-Luc, mon capitaine. I'm back!

Picard: Q, get out of here!

Q: Non, mon ami. I have a contract, remember?

Picard: (fume) ...

Data: Captain, I do not think that Q's contract pertains to this particular

scenario. Technically, this is not a parody, but another inane attempt

to pit our ship against another genre vessel. Precedents include the

Galactica, Cylon Base Stars, Blake's 7, Dr. Who's Tardis, Robotech

vehicles, the Batmobile, Dastardly and Muttley's flying--

Picard: Enough, Data, we get the point. Excellent. Q, you are not wanted here,

nor legally required to be here. You will leave.

Q: Hurumph. It's a silly premise, anyway. But I'll be back. I'll be watching.

[Q disappears in a bright flash.]

Picard: Finally. Let's get on with this. Beverly's waiting for me....

Wesley: Hey!!!

Riker: Shut up, boy!

Picard: Number One, remember this is NOT a parody.

Riker: Sorry.

Wesley: Thanks!

Picard: Shut up boy.

[Scene cuts to the Argo with big gaping hole in side.]

Venture: Derek! What was that ship?

Wildstar: I don't know, Mark. I think it was one of the Comet Empire's new

Space Destroyers. We were hit by a Magna-Laser Cannon!

Sandor: They destroyed the Third Bridge.

Nova: But where are we now, Derek? Where did the enemy ship go?

Hardy: I lost contact with the Third Space Fleet, Captain.

IQ-9: MY SENSORS DETECT ANOTHER SHIP APPROACHING. VERY FAST. FASTER THAN A

GENIUS ROBOT CAN COMPUTE. I AM A FAILURE.

[IQ-9 tips over.]

Nova: EEEEK! I have it on the scope. It's back!

[Enterprise ripples into view on the big screen.]

{COINCIDENCE EXPLANATION: The Enterprise looks almost exactly like the Comet

Empire's new Space Destroyers.}

Wildstar: Recall the repair teams. Ready the shock cannons.

Eager: Aye, aye, sir.

[Cut to Enterprise Bridge. The Argo is on the Main screen. It looks as new as

the day it was commissioned.]

Riker: What the hell is that? Looks like an old Earth Navy Battleship.

Worf: Sensors show it is an old Earth Navy Battleship.

Riker: You're kidding.

Worf: Klingons do not kid. The ship has been modified to be spaceworthy. It is

arming its weapons. It is using an unidentifiable energy, but it does

seem to be... tachyon based.

Picard: Tachyon? Can our shields deflect that?

Worf: I don't know. It is not mentioned in "Mr. Scott's Guide to the

Enterprise."

Riker: That means... we're at the mercy of the writer!

Picard: Merde.

Worf: However, that should be little problem. The ship is NOT shielded.

Picard: Good. Mr. Worf, raise our shields and hail that vessel.

Worf: Aye sir.

[Cut to Argo Bridge.]

Hardy: Distance to Space Destroyer 40 mega-meters.

Nova: Oh! Derek! There's an energy reading building around the Destroyer.

Wildstar: Fire all shock cannons!

[Cut to Enterprise.]

Picard: Attention alien vessel, I am Captain Jean-Luc--

[He is interrupted as shock-cannon lasers impact on the shields, rocking the

ship.]

Worf: We are under fire. Permission to destroy alien vessel.

Picard: Negative, Mr. Worf. Our shields seem able to deal with their weapons.

We are on a peaceful mission.

Worf: (under breath) Wimp.

Picard: What was that?

Worf: I said wim-pieth. It's Klingon for Wise Leader.

Picard: Why, thank you. Let's try communicating again. I am Captain--

[Cut to Argo.]

Wildstar: Fire the shock cannons! Fire all missiles!

[Cut to Enterprise again as ship shudders from impact.]

Picard: I am Captain--

[The preceding scenes repeat 20 times.]

Picard: I am Captain--

Riker: Captain! You've tried that 20 times. They aren't listening.

Data: Shields are beginning to weaken, sir.

Picard: Very well. Stand by while I convert from Peace Mode to Kick-Ass Mode.

[He turns around in his chair three times.]

Picard: There. That'll be enough of that. I'm tired of being a sitting target.

Mr. Worf, target one of those laser turrets and fire main phasers, short

duration.

Worf: (with a big shit-eating grin) Yes sir!

[Enterprise fires phasers and blows up a turret. A second quick blast destroys

the Bridge protruding from the bottom of the Argo.]

Picard: Worf, I said one shot.

Worf: Oops. Finger stuck.

Data: Direct hit, sir. The alien ship has sustained heavy damage. It is...

burning sir.

Wesley: That's impossible. You can't have a fire in space. There's no oxygen!

Data: Nevertheless, there is a large fire... and smoke.

Picard: This is damn peculiar.

[Cut to the Argo. Smoke pours from damaged turret.]

Homer: They've destroyed Turret Number three!

Sandor: They've destroyed Bridge Number three.

Wildstar: Grrrr. We can't just sit here. Let's see how their force field stands

up to real power. Ready the WAVE MOTION CANNON!!!

Venture: Transferring all energy to Wave-Motion Cannon.

[Cut to Enterprise.]

Picard: That seems to have taken the fight out of them. They've stopped firing.

Now maybe they're willing to talk.

Data: Captain, I read a buildup of that strange tachyon energy inside that hole

in the front of the ship. Readings go off the scale.

[Everyone looks up at the screen. White swirls of energy are building around

the front of the Argo. Everyone suddenly notices that the other ship is no

longer damaged.]

Riker: What the hell? What happened to all of the damage? We crippled that

ship.

Data: Sensors show that the alien vessel is fully functional.

Picard: Could that ship be of Borg design?

Data: Negative, sir. It is constructed of simple metals as found on Earth.

Riker: Look at the glow on the front of the ship. It's getting ready to fire.

Picard: Well, it's just sitting there. Let's put a stop to this right away. Mr.

Worf, fire phasers and photon torpedos.

[The ship shudders as a barrage of torpedos and phasers are fired. On the

screen, the Argo is enveloped as all weapons hit. The ship bursts into flames

and smoke again.]

[Cut to Argo.]

Sandor: They destroyed Bridge Number Three.

Venture: Derek! We have to get out of here. We're heavily damaged!

Wildstar: GRRRR. No! Continue countdown to Wave-Motion Gun. Launch all Black

Tiger Fighters to stop their firing.

[Black Tigers launch and fly at the Enterprise. Several impact against the

shields and explode. Others buzz the ship, unable to penetrate the shields.]

Data: The enemy ship is heavily damaged. Yet they still continue to build up to

fire. Their fighters are ineffectual.

Picard: Enough is enough. Mr. Worf, fire phasers, wide spread, to destroy those

fighters, then bear all weapons on that ship and destroy her.

Worf: Phasers readied, fired!

[Several wide phaser blasts destroy majority of fighters, and the remaining

fighters return to the Argo.]

Worf: Photon torpedos, armed... fired!

[The Argo is engulfed in cloud of energy, smoke and fire, as wave after wave of

torpedos hit it. Soon, the Argo can no longer be seen as the cloud becomes

opaque. After several minutes, the Enterprise ceases fire.]

Worf: Four dozen torpedos scored direct hits on the alien vessel. She must be

totally vaporized in that cloud.

Picard: Very well. It had to be done. Scan the wreckage, then we'll proceed to

Starbase 69 for repairs and debriefing.

Wesley: S-S-Sir, LOOK!

[All look at Wesley, who points to screen. All look at screen, to see Argo,

battered but functional, emerging from the smoke and fire.]

[Scene cuts to Argo.]

Sandor: They destroyed Bridge Number Three.

Wildstar: 3... 2... 1... FIREEEE!!!!

[Space lights up as massive Wave-Motion Beam streaks out from the front of the

Argo, towards the Enterprise. Large light show as beam hits screens and

destroys them. Finally, the Enterprise is engulfed by the beam, and flares as

if a sun had gone nova. This effect lasts for several minutes, and after the

glow has faded, the Enterpirse is gone.]

Venture: Whew. That was a close one.

Wildstar: Sure was. Send out the repair teams. Let's move on with our mission.

We have a planet to save.

Nova: Oh, Derek!

[The Argo fades into background, trailing wisps of smoke.]

* * *

And that's the way it was (or would be?)

---

Quantum Buc

ARPA: jessup@elbereth.rutgers.edu

UUCP: ...!rutgers!elbereth.rutgers.edu!jessup

QUOTE: "Oh, the PAIN!" -- Deanna Troi and Dr. Zachary Smith